My Guardian Angel.

“Children are not supposed to die…Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind…This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of the perfection” –Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39 

 We are all the same there is no way to avoid and there is no use to try and escape it, it will find you someday. “Grief is a natural response to loss. Its emotional suffering you feel when something or someone you love is taken away.” (help guide) The closer of a bond you shared the harder the process would be. I was suppose to be a parent my junior year at the age of sixteen barely surviving on my own and also a student attending West High. No one except a few friends knew. I’m more on the pro-life side, but can be understanding. I find it equally as bad as a homicide, but there was nothing I could have done back then and it frustrates me. I still regret my choice and I miss her (Athena Hatsu Nelson) everyday. I apologize and occasionally bargain ridiculous things such as to be able to meet her even once or to be able to go back in time. I feel anger that I did not over think the situation enough times that maybe I can give her to a loving family looking to adopt, and think of the option to visit her once in a while. In my mind my child did not die…I killed her. I am nothing better than a murderer. I don’t deserve any mercy I deserve to be caged up like all the other criminals. I will never be able to forgive myself of the sins I have done, except grief after someone I never really knew or met before. The only bond/memories I share with her is of her in the womb and being able to feel her heart beat and the baby bump constantly reminding me I am now a mother. June 27^th , 2012 was the last day I could feel her faint heartbeat. I killed her. I regretted my decision, but there was nothing much I could do.

     After the surgery I accepted the fact she was gone quite quickly, but it was a painful experience. Later on I got very despondent, isolated, almost went back to my dark past of self harm and considered suicide. I had friends who helped me go through it though. For a while whenever  I see the number twenty seven  I couldn't help, but break down a little inside of me and sometimes I break down outside and can’t keep myself emotionally stable. “When a child dies, parents (such as I) feel that a part of them has died”. (at health )“They will always feel the empty place in their hearts caused by the child’s death.” (at health )

     Like the article “Just Say Something” By: Betsy Okonski, I understand the grieving they have gone through and how the loss of their child “was (a) catalyst for profound changes in our lives.” Also when people found out more about the news they knew how much I wanted to keep her so “when the sympathy trickled off to nothing, I felt abandoned.” (Okonski) People believe when something drastic and life changing happens we want to hear things like “You can have another baby”, or “It is for the best” it does not help in fact it makes it worse and brings back memories and think about how we will never be able to see that person again. “Grief lasts a long time [and I believe] the first year particular is full of holidays, birthdays and other painful milestones, (Okonski) we are going to  have to go through.

     Researching about grief and parental grief I came to the conclusion I might be clinically depressed. I have some of the symptoms and have hard times where I felt as if life wasn’t worth living, wished I could die or could have died with her, blame myself for the loss and etc. It makes me wonder how things would be if I kept her. They say pain will go away faster if you ignore it, but that is not true. The more you try to avoid the topic from surfacing the harder it will be on the long run. Reading the articles made me notice it was true. Like Okonski says “Just say something. It really does make a difference”.  I did not want fake sympathy though and I doubted anyone would want to hear about another life story.

     Lately I have been more open to talk about my loss and I have been talking to friends that know about the incident and I now tend to often draw my feelings whenever I feel down. I also learned if I don’t feel emotionally well to just sleep it off instead of risking the fact of me doing something stupid I may regret later on. My ex also believes I should get therapy, but I think I am doing somewhat okay just by talking to friends and drawing my feelings out. “No matter how short, [it’ll] be seen as a gift”( at health). I guess in a way Athena was a little bit of my gift to happiness. We all have the “If only’s” plague when a loved one has passed away because deep down we know that we will never be able to get them back and the memories making the grieving process harder. Sometimes I still get nightmares of her in it being scared, shaking, lonely and feel abandoned, and crying asking me why I left her even though I have never met her. It has been a tough couple of months grief is exhausting and very demanding, but I am slowly on the road to recovery.  In retrospect I wish I could have been more resilient it would probably helped me a lot, it doesn't help how most of my friends I hangout with are older and some of them have kids so it is quite ubiquitous, and feels like there is no escape from it. 

     If you ever find someone that has gone through a loss of a child do not avoid the parents or the grief and refrain from talking about the loss and referring to the child’s name and let them have a shoulder to cry on. One again “Just say something. It really does make a difference.” (Okonski)

 

 (My tattoo a reminder to think of my actions before I do something and the day of the abortion.)---->